FJ Holden Cafe, Hughendon, Queensland, Australia
detail from 'Beyond the Town, Oz'
And here is a great place to put AUSTRALIANA, by Austentayshus
'Sittin' at home last Sunday mornin' me mate Boomer rang.
Said he was havin' a few people around for a barbie. Said he might Cook a burra or two.
I said, "Sounds great, will Walla be there?"
He said "Yeah and Vegie might come too".
So I said to the wife "Do you wanna go Anna?". She said "I'll go if Ding goes".
So I said to Boomer "What'll we do about Nulla?"
He said "Nulla bores me to tears, leave him at home."
We got to the party about two and walked straight out the kitchen to put some booze in the fridge. And you wouldn't believe it, there's Boomer's wife Warra sittin there tryin to plait her puss!
Now, I don't like to speak ill o' Warra, but I was shocked, I mean how much can a Koala bare.
So I grabbed a beer, flashed me wanga at her and went out and joined the party.
Pretty soon Ayers rocks in and things really started jumpin'. This Indian girl, Marsu, turns up, dying to go to the toilet but she couldn't find it. I said to me mate Al, "Hey, where can Marsu pee Al?" He said "She can go outback with the fellas, she's probably seen a cock or too".
Well just then Warra comes out of the kitchen with a few drinks for everybody. Fairdinkum, you've never seen a cooler bar maid. I grabbed a beer and said, "Thanks Warra - tah".
A couple of Queenslanders at the party, one smellin' pretty strongly of aftershave. He sat down next to me and I turned to him and I said, "Ya know mate, You reek o' Stockade!"
It was a really hot day; Oscar felt like a swim. He said to Ina, "Do you want a have a dip in the river Ina?" She said "I haven't got my cossie Oscar".
Well Bo says, "Come in starkers, what'll 'ey care!"
Ina says "What, without so much as a thread Bo?" Ah, perish 'er thought! Has Eucum been in yet?
Well a few of the blokes decided to play some cricket. Boomer says "Why doesn't Wom bat?" "Yeah, and let Tenter field".
He said I should have a bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I suggested a game of cards. I said to Lyptus "Wanna game of Euca Lyptus?" He said "There's no point mate, Dah wins everytime."
Well Bill said he'd like a smoke. Nobody knew where the dope was stashed. I said "I think Maree knows." But I was just spinning a bit of a yarn. Barry pulls a joint out of his pocket. Bill says "Great, Barry, a reefer. What is it mate?" "Noosa Heads of course. Me mate Ada laid 'em on me." And it was a great joint too, blew Mountains away and his three sisters.
Well I thought I'd roll one meself, I said "Chuck us the Tally Ho Bart". He said "They're out on the Lawn, Ceston, can you get em for us?" Burnie says "It's okay mate, she's apples, I'll get em for ya"
Just then Alice springs into action, starts to pack Bill a bong. And you wouldn't believe it, the bongs broken. I said "Lord, How?" "Hay-man" somebody said "Will a Didgeridoo?" I said "Hummmmm mummmm mummmmm mummmmm maybe it'll have ta."
I look in the corner and there's Bass sittin there, not getting into it, not getting out of it, I said "What, is Bass straight or somthin?" Boomer said "As a matter a fact mate, he's a cop" I said "Ya jokin mate, a cop, I'm getting outta here, let's go Anna." She said "No way, I'm hangin round till Gum leaves. Besides, I don't wanna leave Jack around a party on his own. Have you seen him? I think he's trying to crack on to Woomba, he's already tried to mount Isa And he'll definitely try to lead you astray Liana!" '
Austentayshus, Australian Comedian [No 1 on Australian Charts]
acrylic, oil and collage on canvas board 2008